I let them take my baby from me. I was 3 months pregnant. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until 2 months, I was still getting my “period” so I couldn’t know except that I had been SUPER sick for 3 weeks non-stop. Then it was 1 week to see a mandatory psychologist, another week to see a doctor for a consultant, another week for the anesthetic doctor and another week until the surgery, and suddenly my baby is the size of a plum and I can see it on my body and feel it in my belly. Right from the beginning I knew I didn’t want to do this, but I knew that I had to, I had to be smart. I’m 22 years old, I’ve been with a good man for nearly 3 years. We live in France but I don’t speak much of the language yet. We both have next to no money and have already been struggling and miserable with where our lives are at financially. It’s such a horrible time for a baby. My partner and I really want kids, but there are so many reasons, that I still stand by, as to why we’re not ready yet. We’ve kept this between us, for me really, out of shame. My partner has been the best that he can be for me, so close and supportive, except that he doesn’t feel anything. To him it’s just stuff growing inside me and making me sick. The night before, I sat in bed next to my partner, gripping my little belly, picturing my plum sized, safe and unknowing baby curled up inside me. Repeatedly thinking, “My baby, I don’t want to lose you baby, they’re taking you away” I’ve never been so confused. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. The abortion, I was put to sleep and they sucked it out. The nurses took advantage of my misunderstanding French and bullied me emotionally and physically. They made me ashamed to be crying (because the other girls weren’t) and forced me to lie in bed, alone in the dark for 8 hours before the procedure. I couldn’t text, I couldn’t read and I couldn’t cry. After the procedure I was in immense pain, the nurses thought I was “over-reacting again” and tried to send me home. It turned out my uterus was still bleeding excessively and I needed another procedure. I ended up having to stay in the hospital for 2 long nights. It will be a week tomorrow and I can’t sleep properly, I’m scared to sleep because every night I have the most disturbing nightmares. Asleep or awake, I can’t tell, I’m so tired I’m seeing awful faces and things that aren’t there. I’m so NOT hungry and my mouth always tastes so bad. Everything tastes bad. I don’t know who I am anymore, like I’m someone else now, I’m someone new and I don’t know who that is. I never used to be a baby person, but now they’re all I think about. I don’t really think about kids, just babies. Just my baby. Holding my faceless baby. I went shopping last night with my partner and totally lost it just to see the plums. My baby was so big. I keep thinking I’m going to feel my belly and there’s nothing there, just space that no matter how much I cry I can’t fill it. It’s so wrong. 6 more years, that’s what I said, 6 more long years until I have a baby. I’m so scared that, that will be the only way I can fill the space. But *** I want my baby back. I want it back so bad. I’m so sorry baby. I am so, so sorry.