My boyfriend told me I was pregnant I went and got a pregnancy test and it came back positive but I saw negative and threw it in the trash. I started getting fat went out drinking and got sick, I took another test and it was positive, I was happy and wanted the baby. I had been previously married for 20 years and never got pregnant, I was asking God why I wasn’t getting pregnant and even took fertility drugs. I was on depro Vera and went off it it made me sick and went on birth control and I missed one day and got pregnant. My friend I told this to told me there are other options such as adoption and she kept telling me this.The doctor said the birth control made me more fertile. I was missing my period and my boyfriend noticed it and I started getting sick. My boyfriend told me you know what you have to do I am too old to have another child. Then he told me to quit looking at the pregnancy stick that I know what I gotta do. Then he told me our child would probably be the anti Christ. My stomach just dropped cause both parents are to want this child. I kept telling myself what are the odds of me getting pregnant while on birth control. I thought God wants me to have this baby. My boyfriend told me I trapped him into this. He had other children but didn’t want to cherish my child but cherished the others even with a woman he married and she was abusive. He even had me take care of his 12 year old son later when his mother left so I don’t understand why he and his children didn’t love me. I gave them a good life. I didn’t want my boyfriend to leave me and didn’t know I would be able to get housing and help for me and my baby. I was also told that the child has a 99% chance of being defective and didn’t know how I could take care of it. Also I didn’t want to have the baby live and I die. I thought I did not have enough mental strength to have a child. I thought wrong. I then went to the doctors and they told me I was pregnant. I didn’t know how I was going to pay for the abortion and my boyfriend refused to help me. I went to planned parenthood and they gave me money to pay for it. They did an ultrasound and the baby was seven weeks and I could hear the heartbeat. The nurse told me it was just a stem and did I want it since its just a stem. The doctor was so brutal to me when I was in recovery I was bleeding. Driving home I was cramping very badly and got home and layed on the bathroom floor with blood clots coming out. I was bleeding to death. I called that doctor and he gave me medicine but it did not help. I had to go to the emergency room and have a D&C and found out the doctor had botched it and left parts of the baby in me. I told the nurse I deserved this. My boyfriend still left me. I told my family a lie and said I had a miscarriage but they didn’t believe me and disowned me. I was working with disabled children driving the bus and had to quit because of the shame and guilt I felt. I still remember this on mothers day and birthdays and feel awful because of the pain that baby had to have felt being sucked out of a tube and put into a jar with a lighthouse on it. I hate to look at lighthouses now because it reminds me. They told me it won’t feel any pain that it wouldn’t hurt him. They showed me a picture and said it was just a dot. I feel so much guilt for being so selfish and would never recommend this to anyone. The whole point of life is to have a family. I cry because I have none and am so alone. I feel sorry for this and wonder if I am going to go to hell. I have a mind lock saying I won’t be forgiven. I am going to think about this the rest of my life.