What is the right choice? I can’t help but think I haven’t made the right one. On April 27, 2018 I had a surgical abortion. I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was determined to have this baby before this, but after weeks of being told I couldn’t do it, I shouldn’t do it, and that its a bad decision I went in for the abortion. I didn’t have the support of anyone in my family. Even though they say, “I’ll support what ever you decide,” I could see in their eyes how they really felt. I started doubting myself. I live with my family, I live paycheck to paycheck, and I am single. I was pregnant by a man that I knew could never love me. The day I found out I was pregnant, I found out he had a girlfriend in town and was sleeping with other women. How could I raise a child with a father like that? The day I went in for the abortion I sat in a room with women who acted like it was something they did all the time. I was there for three hours and finally I was in a gown and ready to be taken back. My name gets called and they inform me that I am too far along to have the abortion in their facility that I have to go to another one. I instantly start crying because I just wanted this to be done and over with. It was breaking my heart already doing it and now it became harder. I went over to the other facility and had to be dilated which was so painful. Finally it is my turn and they take me into this scary room and tell me that they aren’t going to put me under general anesthesia. They put me in conscious sedation, but I was promised that I wouldn’t feel or remember a thing. I remember everything and I felt everything. I begged them to stop that it hurt so bad. I tried to even hit the hand of the doctor. Next thing I know my arms are being pinned down so I don’t move. I screamed and cried for it to stop. Next thing I know I am in recovery and woke up hoping my baby was still inside my belly, but knew that it wasn’t. I went home and started sleeping in our spare bedroom because I couldn’t face the ultrasound photos and baby clothes and other things in my room. I feel like a piece of me died that day and I guess in a sense it did. I thought that now was the time to put it behind me, but then the pain started getting worse and worse. I couldn’t walk anymore or stand and it became unbearable. The Thursday after the abortion I went to the emergency room because I couldn’t stand it anymore. They found retained products from the pregnancy that were supposed to be removed in the abortion. They didn’t do it correctly. So I had infections due to the retained products. They referred me to a doctor to see Monday to determine whether I needed another surgery. That Saturday I was back in the emergency room because the pain was worse. Next thing I know I am being admitted into the hospital. The next morning I was taken into surgery. I was in the hospital until Thursday afternoon. It has been 2 weeks since my second surgery and I am still in pain. They can’t figure out why. I just had my follow up and they believe my infections might be back. It seems like this is never going to be over. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for the choice I made. I don’t sleep much anymore because I have nightmares from the first abortion. I miss my child. I miss my belly. It’s crazy to miss someone so much that I have ever met. I can’t help but think to this day that I have not made the right choice. I just want to be better so I can try to move forward from this, but it seems to never end. I am not sure what to do at this point anymore. I don’t think that it has truly hit me yet, but I worry for the day that it does. I feel numb. When will this end?