I’ve had two abortions, they both broke me, a surgical and a medical abortion.

I was 22 and completely off the rails, self medicating for anxiety disorder, depression and PTSD. Found out I was pregnant at eight weeks gestation according to ultrasound. I was honest with my doctor about alcohol and drug use. The father didn’t want me to have baby, I was scared of damage done by drugs and alcohol, I was a heavy daily user then. Abortion seemed like the only choice. My experience at the clinic on the day was rough. I discovered a full A4 page letter, on the last abortion doc you see before procedure desk when they left me there for a min, it was from my doc about a certain drug I’d admitted to using, she’d literally gone investigating it. Next I’m medicated and then wheeled into a surgery room, it hurt soo bad and the suction noises were awful. As I recovered in private room I was ignored by nurses for over an hour, my boyfriend had to save me from rolling off the bed in pain! Eventually a nurse allowed me some Panadol, I was definitely treated like an addict who was purely trying for medication rather than a patient in pain. The aftermath of how this experience hit me physically and emotionally was tough, I cried so so much. The iud fitted had to come out that week at my docs because of how much pain I was experiencing. I was pregnant again four months later, had been trying to get clean so my levels of alcohol and drugs had decreased. Having had the experience of being pregnant I picked up on my body’s signals super early and was able to stop drinking and drugs to have this baby, I couldn’t face abortion again then. That baby is now 15 nearly 16yrs old now and gave me reason to hold onto this earthly plane and clean up.

Unfortunately I found myself pregnant again, as a solo mother to a four year old crying why did my daddy leave me. The father of that baby had duped me into believing he was infertile, that we’d broken a condom so he was exposed to sti if I had any, so no worries about not using condom anymore that weekend. Imagine his surprise when two weeks later I’m pregnant, he told me he’d leave the country because I’m too close in age to his sons and he couldn’t have me ruin his relationships with them. Being mentally unwell with no support from family and struggling to raise my firstborn alone I caved to any early termination. The medical route is just as painful and traumatic as the surgical route. Already having had a baby this termination felt even more emotionally painful. I passed a tiny little fetus and descended into serious depression and my drinking problem returned, I’m lucky to have survived that period and be where I am today.

I could never ever go through abortion again. I understand now how the lives growing inside of me had the spark of life, and didn’t deserve to die because of how things were going for me on the outside. Abortion is up there at the top of my biggest regrets in the life I’ve lived. I made sure that no more unplanned pregnancies happened until I was ready to be mum again, with a dad that would really be there. I’m now 37 weeks pregnant with my fourth baby, sixth pregnancy, number two and three were planned and there Dad loves us soo much, yes number four was a surprise but we’re ready and happy to welcome another. I think of the two babies I basically murdered and I wished to bring more souls to the world because of them. My kids are my whole world, my reason to keep fighting the battles I have with mental health, my lights in the darkness from a seriously traumatic past. I don’t believe I’d have survived suicidal ideation much longer if I hadn’t had my firstborn to be strong for, I know that abortion took it’s toll on my psyche. I will regret forever the choice to terminate an unborn life. It’s not my body my choice when you’re carrying a new life, it’s our bodies and the life inside has a right to live. Once you learn how to read your bodies signals pregnancy can be prevented, cycle tracking is great (just double check your calendar info instead of trusting memory), I learnt soo much in the trying to conceive process.

I’m blessed to have three babies and a fourth due soon, things worked out in my life, I got clean and sober eventually, coming up next March will be my tenth sobriety birthday, my firstborn did have a bumpy ride with me but I always put him before the drink and drugs, as in I always made sure that our money had him well fed and kept, if I did go out he was with my parents and thank god I made it back to him alive and ok. Things got even better once I got sober. Now I’m a proud Mum to my 15, 5 and 3yrs old kids.

I just need other women to know that abortion is not healthcare and it will take it’s toll. It was more healing and empowering to bring life into the world and give everything you’ve got, things will work out, you can do it, nothing has made me stronger than being a Mum