Sitting in a room full of other girls like myself, and my Mum, I waited to have my abortion. I was 22. I had one son already, who was 2 years old, and I had cheated on my current boyfriend and fallen pregnant to a married man. He wanted me to keep the baby. My boyfriend upon my confession left and moved back to Australia that day, our 1 1/2 year relationship ended. Like that.
As I had found out I was pregnant so early, I had to wait 4 weeks before I could have my abortion. 4 weeks of waking up knowing I was carrying a child, 4 weeks of resenting that fact. I felt no attachment to the “tissue” inside of me, even when I had my scan and was told the “tissue” had a heart beat. I felt nothing.
All I could think was how I would be tied to him for life, how everyone would know the shame of what I had done. Most of my friends had had abortions, most of them had had numerous abortions and the vibe of the world was that it was my choice, my body, my decision. My Mum was pro choice. I felt that was my only option. There was no way I was going to go through the shame of having this baby.
All I could think was….someone tell me I don’t have to do this, someone really convince me I don’t have to… because I feel like I do, but I don’t know anymore!
I’m sitting in the waiting room, waiting to get this over with…why did I feel the way I did? More than scared. Confused. Conflicted. Totally unsure. Something in my heart was tugging, not leaving me alone, nudging me and making me feel so uncomfortable about what I was doing. There was no other way though, right? This was perfectly ok, right? I asked myself a million questions. Something internally in my heart wrestled with huge emotions and thoughts. All I could think was….someone tell me I don’t have to do this, someone really convince me I don’t have to… because I feel like I do, but I don’t know anymore!
The doctor who explained the procedure told me only the bare minimum facts, none of the risks and definitely NONE of the emotional onslaught that would follow. It was a cold emotionless interview.
I took some pills given to me that would start a miscarriage, and loosen the tissue in my womb. I lay on a bed next to another girl who laughed and joked with her boyfriend. I was so cold and empty inside. I felt frozen. She went in, and it only took a few moments before she was back out laughing and joking with her boyfriend, abortion over..just like that.
Then it was my turn, I remember the look on my Mum’s face, and I know now that in that moment she herself was so conflicted, she knew something wasn’t ok with this, she was having the same conflicting emotions I was. I don’t blame her but I wish so much that she had stopped me.
I walked into a giant room, it was scary how giant it was. How surgical it was. Like something out of a sick horror movie. There was a huge table, and a masked surgeon waiting for me. There was no emotion. Everything felt lifeless.
Everything in me screamed to stop and run and turn the other way, but it was too late. I got up on the table. And the procedure began. It hurt. Everything hurt, physically, emotionally. I could hear the sucking sound of the suction tool and something in me just lost it. I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. The nurse rubbed my arm saying “It’s ok honey, such a relief eh honey, it’s ok you can cry, you’re just crying with relief”. I wanted to scream and punch her and cry NO, I’M CRYING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!! WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! IT HURTS!! STOP!!!
I couldn’t understand the emotions coming from me, it was as if this almighty fight for life was rising up in my spirit and my heart. If this was ok, why did I feel like this, if this was normal, if this was ethically fine, what was going on inside my heart and spirit and mind?! If this was my choice then why did I feel as if I had just made the most horrific mistake of my life.
I came out of the room. I lay on the bed next door to laughing girl and her boyfriend and I screamed and sobbed. I cried out. I have never cried such a wail of loss in my life. The room went dead silent as I screamed and cried. What had I done.The loss I felt was overwhelming, the emptiness inside me wasn’t just from my womb it was somewhere deeper, something in my very being was very very wrong, something was so very wrong I couldn’t understand it. I have never felt so lost and so empty and so cold in my life. Why didn’t I feel normal and ok with this? What was this awful pain in my heart?!
The next few days I walked around like a zombie. I had no words, no answers. But gradually life took over, the “relief” of being done with that situation took over and I carried on, thinking I was done with it. But it never left my thoughts. It was never far from my mind. Day after day, week after week I would remember. No matter how much I told myself it was fine, I had done the right thing…something in me whispered “Liar”. I did lie, to myself, to others, for years. I shut that part of my story up in a deep dark box and never breathed a word to anyone.
Until one day, I had a radical encounter that changed my life. I met Jesus. A friend took me to church and I encountered God. I learned about how Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and that He loved me, and that He wanted to have a relationship with me. I wholeheartedly said yes.
About 6 months later the abortion memories started coming to mind harder and harder. I knew Jesus was trying to tell me something, so I turned to a close trusted church mentor and shared my story. And Jesus opened my eyes. The full extent of grief overwhelmed me as He showed me a precious beautiful girl in His arms, I was overwrought with sadness and loss and horror, what had I done. What had I done. My beautiful girl.
A wave of grace washed over me as I begged the Lords forgiveness, He forgave me, as He will anyone who turns to Him.
I have forgiveness for the sin of killing my own baby girl, but I don’t believe I will ever be free from the memories of it, or the emotion. It never leaves you, it is a constant part of your life. As I watch my son grow, who is now 10, I am beyond heartbroken that I could have seen a baby as a curse. If I had kept my baby girl she would be 8 years old this year. Every life is so precious.
You may think you want to do this, you may feel just as I did, that it is totally fine, and acceptable and it’s your choice. But I am writing my story today to tell you that you will not feel that way if you go through with this. You will never feel like it was ok. You will experience a loss like nothing you can imagine. You will never recover from it.
I firmly believe every woman, every girl who is considering abortion needs to be told this –
It is OK to keep your baby. You will get through this, you can do this. Yes your circumstances may so so difficult, so hard, yes it may be a moment of shame, it may be a financial burden on your life. Yes you may be 14, or single, or married with a big brood of children.
It is OK to keep your baby. You will get through this, you can do this.
But please, look at your other children if you have them, or look at a child you love in your family, that is what you carry right now. Think on that. That beautiful life, your sister, your niece, your friends child…whoever. That is what you are carrying right now. Would you wish any of them were not here? Would you wish any of them dead? Everyone of them is a gift, a joy. That is what you carry. You have a precious beautiful gift inside you right now. You will love this baby so so much.
Give life. Let your baby live. I beg you. Don’t do what I did, please, you will never recover from it. I have forgiveness, yes, Jesus loves me, yes, but I do not have my precious girl. I murdered her. I ended her life. Me, her mum, the one who was supposed to protect her and love her and cherish her. I decided that she did not deserve to live just because I was ashamed of what people would think.
Children are a blessing from the Lord. If you are pregnant right now then you are a Mum. Now. Not when baby is born, but right now. You are that childs Mummy. And he or she needs you to protect. He or she needs your love. You will never regret keeping your child, once that baby is in your arms every single fear will melt away at the love you will feel. You will love this child so much you will think back and wonder how you ever thought you could abort.
Don’t do it. I beg you.
You can do this, you can get through this, Jesus will help you if you only ask.
You may say, well if all babies go to heaven then they are going to a better place and that’s good. No. It is not God’s will that this life would end, He gave you this child because He has a plan for his or her life on this earth!
If you end this child’s life you will spend the rest of your years regretting it, crying and, grieving over your loss, it will never leave you, you will never have peace from it. You will always regret it.
If you give this child life, you will spend the rest of your years marvelling at how beautiful they are, how funny they are, how amazing your life is because of them. I feel this way about my boy everyday. He is so wonderful, I could never look at him and wish that he wasn’t here, even though life as a solo Mum with him has been tough, I never once thought “I wish I didn’t have you”. He is my everything. My baby.
Give life. Please.
I am praying for you with so much love, I know what you are going through, I know the struggle. Your baby needs you, and you need her…you need him. Give life. You will never regret it.